Royal Flush!

Prince William will wed Kate Middleton tomorrow in a ceremony that is being hailed as “the most extravagant event of 2011.” Hollywood quickly protested the label, saying, “Just wait till you see Transformers 3.”

Security will be tight in Britain during the royal wedding as more than 5,000 police officers keep a careful eye out for terrorists, anarchists and Russell Brand. While terrorists are said to be salivating over the concentration of royalty, law enforcement and civilian figures, anarchists are reported to be spray-painting buildings with the words “cute,” “quaint” and “irrelevant.” Russell Brand is reported to be drunk or high or something.

And for those of you counting down, it’s less than 24 hours from now that Kate Middleton will meet the Royal Anaconda!

Bye-bye, Birthers

President Obama has made public his “long-form” birth certificate because he feels the controversy surrounding his birthplace has been a distraction for the nation. The DC and Illinois Departments of Motor Vehicles were happy to hear the news, saying, “The nation can now focus on why Obama thought he could get away with not changing the address on his car registration within thirty days of moving into the White House.”

Oh, Lindsay

As punishment for violating her parole, Lindsay Lohan will do community service hours at the Los Angeles county morgue. Lohan is said to be excited to see where they’ve been storing her career.

Sheenites and Shunnis

Bree Olson, one of Charlie Sheen’s proclaimed goddesses, broke up with Sheen last week, shattering the triumvirate and dividing fans into two sects: those who believe that the goddesses were mere handmaidens of the God Charlie Sheen and those who believe that the true leader of the faith is Emilio Estevez.

Big Ben

Scientists report that Alzheimer’s and dementia sufferers are unable to detect lies due to a breakdown in the area of the brain that handles verbal and social cues. “Time for this guy to visit someone’s grandma!” commented Ben Roethlisberger.