Hot Dog!

Government officials of Cicero, Illinois, have apparently spent $120,000 over the last few years at a hot dog stand that has ties to Cicero town board members, raising some eyebrows in the Chicago area. But hey, that Weinerschnitzel place is GOOD.

No National Anthem for You!

Goshen College has decided it will no longer play the national anthem before collegiate sporting events due to the anthem's violent content. I think professional sports should  follow suit; after all, who wants to listen to 30,000 Cubs fans sing?

Earthquake!

A series of earthquakes has hit the United States over the past twenty-four hours, with tremors felt in such unusual places as Colorado, New York and Washington, D.C. The earthquakes would have been felt in Chicago but were re-routed due to delays at O'Hare International Airport.

Taxes, Glorious Taxes

A new report shows that the Taliban and Afghan criminal organizations have made off with $360 million of American taxpayer money, which gets funneled through the U.S. military to subcontractors with various shady ties in the war-torn nation. I was pretty upset about this until I remembered that 9.75% of my local expenditures go to the City of Chicago, so at least our money is going to efficient organizations doing good work in our communities.

Google Makes a Purchase

Google's deal to buy Motorola Mobility for $12.5 billion has the business world in a tizzy as everyone tries to remember what Motorola Mobility is. The deal will allow Google to compete directly with Apple, thus pitting the the world's most colorful logo against the world's most colorful time-wasting devices.


Billionaire Warren Buffett said this week that it's time for the U.S. government to "stop coddling" the super-rich and raise taxes on the nation's wealthiest to help pay off the deficit. Buffett then reached into his wallet and paid off the deficit.

Dark World of Darkness

Astronomers have come across an unusual planet 750 light years away that they describe as the darkest, blackest planet ever discovered. The planet's coal-black color and slight red glow are caused by an atmosphere of gaseous sodium, vaporized potassium and a several-mile-thick layer of Satan, Satan, Satan.

Opportunity's End

NASA's Martian rover Opportunity will reach the end of its seven-year journey today when it arrives at the edge of a 14-mile wide crater. Before it shuts down, Opportunity will plant an American flag and dub the crater "Creditworthiness."

Credit Unworthy

In an unprecedented move, the S&P downgraded the creditworthiness of the United States from AAA+ to just AAA. Now the United States will never be able to buy that summer home it has always wanted.