Money Shots

China’s blockbuster 3D porn film Sex and Zen 3D: Extreme Ecstasy will soon make its way to the U.S. After the initial release, the film will be remade in Hollywood and called The Ring.

An Afghan commission cleared President Karzai’s brother Mahmoud Karzai of any wrongdoing in a massive bank fraud case. The commission was created by President Karzai himself and included Karzai’s parents, Karzai’s sister, and Karzai’s best friend, Rich Dickerson.

The Illinois House approved a measure that would authorize slot machines in Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport. Travelers are said to be excited, as what better way to wile away a 12-hour delay for an overpriced flight in a bad economy than pump your recently scaled-back paycheck into a psychological-heroin dispenser? The Illinois House is now considering a bill that would add a 3D Chinese porn theater to the baggage claim area.

Game Over

Serbian war crimes suspect Ratko Mladic has been arrested, fifteen years after allegedly organizing the 1995 massacre at Srebrenica. Mladic said he’d gladly cooperate with the investigation because his game of kick the can with Osama bin Laden is obviously over.

A Republican bill aimed at reducing the deficit by cutting Medicare costs failed in the Senate, partially due to dissent and fractures in the Republican Party. The five Republicans who opposed the bill said the Party needed to focus more on reducing the deficit by cutting Medicare costs.  

The End of the World Is Tomorrow

Believers in doomsday prophet Harold Camping’s predictions are preparing for the end of the world, which is set to take place Saturday, May 21, 2011. Camping originally scheduled the end of the world for Sunday but people had church. Believers say that they will spend Saturday glued to the TV watching for news of people getting sucked up into the sky in the rapture as well as reports of terrible disasters, such as tornadoes. Advertising spots on the Weather Channel are going like hotcakes.

Meanwhile, the Senate rejected a Republican bill that would authorize companies to conduct extensive oil and gas exploration. The bill was rejected on the grounds that drilling for a finite and unrenewable resource doesn’t count as exploration, not the good old-fashioned harmless kind of exploration practiced by Christopher Columbus.

Catching a Predator

Arnold Schwarzenegger revealed last night that he fathered a child with an employee over ten years ago, which led to his recent separation from wife Maria Shriver. Schwarzenegger said there were no excuses for his irresponsible behavior, admitted he had caused great pain for his family, apologized profusely and said he deserved the criticism of the media for his terrible misdeeds. “Thanks a lot, dad,” said the illegitimate child.

Schwarzenegger said that he is happy to have this secret off his shoulders because, over the past ten years, he has felt like an invisible alien wandering in the jungle with an atomic bomb attached to his wrist.

And in science news, a recent study shows that social rejection, such as a bad breakup, affects the same part of the brain as physical pain and is akin to getting burned by hot coffee. So, next time you want to dump someone, just pour hot coffee on his brain.

Captain Marfan

Conspiracy theorists say that Osama bin Laden was not killed by Navy SEALs but by Marfan syndrome, a disease that causes disfigurement and sudden death. Abraham Lincoln also suffered from the disease, which appears to be triggered by a bullet to the head.

After the disappointing and confusing third installment, Disney hopes to revive the Pirates of the Caribbean film franchise under the helm of a new director, Rob Marshall. Disney has admitted that it needs a box office success and said that if the film fails, Marhsall’s case of Marfan syndrome might start to act up.

A Puerto Rican nationalist was arrested this week twenty-eight years after robbing an American bank of $7 million, one of the largest bank heists in U.S. history. Law enforcement officials asked that he return the stolen money, but the man said he blew it all on hookers, blow, and an investment in the Pirates of the Caribbean film franchise.

No Comment

Former California governor and movie star Arnold Schwarzenegger and wife Maria Shriver have announced their separation. Stopped by reporters outside his office, Schwarzenegger was too much in a hurry to comment because he had to get to the chopper.

Newt Gingrich plans to announce his 2012 presidential campaign on Wednesday via Facebook and Twitter to take advantage of the Internet’s mass communication capabilities. To bolster his online presence, Gingrich said he would mass-mail interactive CDs stamped with his official slogan, America Online.

Innocents

Controversy has erupted over the code name given by U.S. officials to Osama bin Laden—“Geronimo.” The Obama administration defended the code name, saying it was specially chosen to “honor the Injuns.” An unnamed official revealed that discarded code names for bin Laden included White Man’s Burden, Naggy Wife and Stupid Poopyhead.

 

New details are coming out about the daring Navy SEAL operation to kill bin Laden in the dark hours before sunrise. During the early morning raid, U.S. Navy SEALs received heavy gunfire from bin Laden’s courier while being pummeled by papers and bottles thrown by bin Laden’s newspaper boy and milk man. One SEAL was injured during the raid when he was clawed by Mimsybags, bin Laden’s cat, who was looking for something fishy to eat.

Winner!

Almost ten years after the events of September 11, 2001, Osama bin Laden was killed on Sunday by U.S. Navy SEALS operating in Pakistan. In a Sunday-night speech, President Obama thanked the men and women of the military and intelligence communities but said he wouldn’t have greenlit the operation without Donald Trump’s urging.

Following bin Laden’s death, Arab television network al Jazeera aired a video recording of bin Laden released by al Qaeda to dispel the rumor that their leader had been killed. In the tape, bin Laden says he is feeling great, Muslims should rise up against the infidels, and he’s looking forward to the second season of Lost.

Meanwhile, the British cautioned the world that terrorism was not yet defeated and reported that the vacant position of international super-terrorist would be filled by George Lazenby.