Sexting Text Ed

Taking advantage of the sexting craze running rampant among teens and young adults, some school districts and health non-profits are starting to transmit sex education tips via text message. When students sign up for the service, they receive a photo of a woman with a bad case of herpes. This new push for sex education has highlighted the fact that only thirteen states require their sex ed curriculum to be medically accurate. The other thirty-seven states sleep in separate beds.

China has announced a bold space exploration program that presents a tacit challenge to the United States. American military experts say that the U.S. must up the ante if it wants to remain as competitive as it was when it went to the moon a couple times back before disco was invented.

Happy New Year!

Egypt: Election Day 2

Polls opened today in Egypt for the second day of historic Parliamentary elections, the first free elections after decades of dictatorial rule. As voters waited in line, pollsters told them to get it right today because they weren't going to do a third day of elections.

Harvard scientists have created a small, rubbery robot that looks like a walking slinky covered in tissue paper. The designers hope that one day the robot will be able to help find earthquake victims and aid in medical procedures, but the only task the robot can do for now is be creepy.

'Community' Not Cancelled

NBC announced today that the Thursday-night sitcom Community has not been cancelled, despite rumors to the contrary. This is good news for the legions of Arrested Development fans who watch Community.

Armageddon!

A football-shaped asteroid the size of an aircraft carrier missed Earth by about 200,000 miles yesterday. Nice throw, God.

Goldman's Sack

Goldman Sachs posted its first quarterly loss since the crash of 2008, causing a ripple in the financial world. Goldman says they fear that the vast profits of yesteryear will not be possible under new regulations that bar them from investing in vast bubbles of nothingness. Regulators stand by their new rules, however, saying that banks need to be stopped from breaking insider trading laws, consumer protection laws, and the laws of supply and demand.

Helping Bank of America Stay Afloat

Bank of America announced that it will start charging customers a fee for debit-card use to help make up for the revenue lost by eliminating overdraft fees. The bank board says it needs this revenue because a bank can't function without a healthy supply of mansions and caviar.

Fierce Competition

In a new documentary screened in Zurich this week, director Roman Polanski admits that he sexually assaulted a woman in 1977. Later in the documentary, Polanski admits that he directed "Pirates" in 1986.

Also this week, Amazon announced the new Kindle Fire, its answer to Apple's groundbreaking tablet, the iPad. The Kindle Fire is set to be a strong competitor for the iPad, featuring 8 gigs of storage for games, movies, and years and years of your life.

Faster Than Light

European scientists conducted an experiment this week that sent a subatomic particle hurtling faster than the speed of light, a feat deemed impossible by the Theory of Relativity. So suck it, Einstein. 

Losing Their Religion

German citizens will greet Pope Benedict XVI's visit this week with angry demands to reform the Roman Catholic Church. Their wish list includes loosening celibacy rules for priests, introducing gay rights, and changing the name of the religion to Unitarianism. They are also calling for a strengthening of women's roles within the church hierarchy but are not pushing this agenda too hard, as they are afraid of getting yelled at and having their hands smacked.

And in the U.S., alternative rock band R.E.M. is breaking up after thirty-one years. Over the decades, the band endured a tumultuous career of complete and utter bombs on the charts, deafening concerts that ended in fatal tramplings and security-force beatings, and an unprecedented number of drug-induced band-member-suicides.

Vs.

An experimental leukemia treatment uses an altered form of the HIV virus to revitalize a patient's immune system, empowering it to battle cancer cells. Cancer vacates the patient's body because cancer always loses to HIV, scissors and paper.

Over the past two years, a 50-year-old man bid a total of $5.2 million in an auction to win a dinner with Warren Buffett. While Buffett gave the man his much-coveted advice on savvy investment strategies, the man gave Buffett advice on easier ways to get a date.

American Jobs

Last night, President Obama delivered a landmark speech outlining his plan for a $447 billion plan to boost the American jobs market. I would have watched the speech but I was working.

Let's Burn Money

European banks are expressing fears that they may not be able to survive the debt crisis sweeping the continent. Bank officials say they are running out of money for day-to-day operations, such as buying cigars and brandy for the break room.

Chicago mayor Rahm Emanuel is considering giving $200 million in taxpayer money to the Chicago Cubs to help rebuild Wrigley Field. The billionaire family that owns the Cubs said they would pay for it but they had met with a shortfall of money recently because they own the Cubs.

Back to Work!

Congress returns to work today after its month-long Labor Day weekend. The agenda on their first day back is packed with debates on fiscal matters, addressing aid requests from areas hit by Hurricane Irene, and multiple screenings of Big Bird Learns How to Share.

A 7.1-magnitude earthquake rocked the shores of Alaska early this morning but was quickly stopped and asked to return tomorrow when residents could prepare for its arrival and give it their undivided attention.

An 11-year-old boy who won $50,000 in a hockey goal contest will have that reward money revoked by the insurance company that funded the contest. The company said it was taking the money away because of the boy's pre-existing case of being good at hockey.

Hot Dog!

Government officials of Cicero, Illinois, have apparently spent $120,000 over the last few years at a hot dog stand that has ties to Cicero town board members, raising some eyebrows in the Chicago area. But hey, that Weinerschnitzel place is GOOD.

No National Anthem for You!

Goshen College has decided it will no longer play the national anthem before collegiate sporting events due to the anthem's violent content. I think professional sports should  follow suit; after all, who wants to listen to 30,000 Cubs fans sing?

Earthquake!

A series of earthquakes has hit the United States over the past twenty-four hours, with tremors felt in such unusual places as Colorado, New York and Washington, D.C. The earthquakes would have been felt in Chicago but were re-routed due to delays at O'Hare International Airport.

Taxes, Glorious Taxes

A new report shows that the Taliban and Afghan criminal organizations have made off with $360 million of American taxpayer money, which gets funneled through the U.S. military to subcontractors with various shady ties in the war-torn nation. I was pretty upset about this until I remembered that 9.75% of my local expenditures go to the City of Chicago, so at least our money is going to efficient organizations doing good work in our communities.

Google Makes a Purchase

Google's deal to buy Motorola Mobility for $12.5 billion has the business world in a tizzy as everyone tries to remember what Motorola Mobility is. The deal will allow Google to compete directly with Apple, thus pitting the the world's most colorful logo against the world's most colorful time-wasting devices.


Billionaire Warren Buffett said this week that it's time for the U.S. government to "stop coddling" the super-rich and raise taxes on the nation's wealthiest to help pay off the deficit. Buffett then reached into his wallet and paid off the deficit.

Dark World of Darkness

Astronomers have come across an unusual planet 750 light years away that they describe as the darkest, blackest planet ever discovered. The planet's coal-black color and slight red glow are caused by an atmosphere of gaseous sodium, vaporized potassium and a several-mile-thick layer of Satan, Satan, Satan.

Opportunity's End

NASA's Martian rover Opportunity will reach the end of its seven-year journey today when it arrives at the edge of a 14-mile wide crater. Before it shuts down, Opportunity will plant an American flag and dub the crater "Creditworthiness."

Credit Unworthy

In an unprecedented move, the S&P downgraded the creditworthiness of the United States from AAA+ to just AAA. Now the United States will never be able to buy that summer home it has always wanted.

President Cookout

During a New Hampshire farm cookout in which he announced his bid for the Republican nomination, Mitt Romney dismissed criticism that his announcement was staged on a farm recently bailed out by federal aid. Romney then drove off in his Chevy Volt on a new freeway to deposit a campaign contribution in his Bank of America account.

Money Shots

China’s blockbuster 3D porn film Sex and Zen 3D: Extreme Ecstasy will soon make its way to the U.S. After the initial release, the film will be remade in Hollywood and called The Ring.

An Afghan commission cleared President Karzai’s brother Mahmoud Karzai of any wrongdoing in a massive bank fraud case. The commission was created by President Karzai himself and included Karzai’s parents, Karzai’s sister, and Karzai’s best friend, Rich Dickerson.

The Illinois House approved a measure that would authorize slot machines in Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport. Travelers are said to be excited, as what better way to wile away a 12-hour delay for an overpriced flight in a bad economy than pump your recently scaled-back paycheck into a psychological-heroin dispenser? The Illinois House is now considering a bill that would add a 3D Chinese porn theater to the baggage claim area.

Game Over

Serbian war crimes suspect Ratko Mladic has been arrested, fifteen years after allegedly organizing the 1995 massacre at Srebrenica. Mladic said he’d gladly cooperate with the investigation because his game of kick the can with Osama bin Laden is obviously over.

A Republican bill aimed at reducing the deficit by cutting Medicare costs failed in the Senate, partially due to dissent and fractures in the Republican Party. The five Republicans who opposed the bill said the Party needed to focus more on reducing the deficit by cutting Medicare costs.  

The End of the World Is Tomorrow

Believers in doomsday prophet Harold Camping’s predictions are preparing for the end of the world, which is set to take place Saturday, May 21, 2011. Camping originally scheduled the end of the world for Sunday but people had church. Believers say that they will spend Saturday glued to the TV watching for news of people getting sucked up into the sky in the rapture as well as reports of terrible disasters, such as tornadoes. Advertising spots on the Weather Channel are going like hotcakes.

Meanwhile, the Senate rejected a Republican bill that would authorize companies to conduct extensive oil and gas exploration. The bill was rejected on the grounds that drilling for a finite and unrenewable resource doesn’t count as exploration, not the good old-fashioned harmless kind of exploration practiced by Christopher Columbus.

Catching a Predator

Arnold Schwarzenegger revealed last night that he fathered a child with an employee over ten years ago, which led to his recent separation from wife Maria Shriver. Schwarzenegger said there were no excuses for his irresponsible behavior, admitted he had caused great pain for his family, apologized profusely and said he deserved the criticism of the media for his terrible misdeeds. “Thanks a lot, dad,” said the illegitimate child.

Schwarzenegger said that he is happy to have this secret off his shoulders because, over the past ten years, he has felt like an invisible alien wandering in the jungle with an atomic bomb attached to his wrist.

And in science news, a recent study shows that social rejection, such as a bad breakup, affects the same part of the brain as physical pain and is akin to getting burned by hot coffee. So, next time you want to dump someone, just pour hot coffee on his brain.

Captain Marfan

Conspiracy theorists say that Osama bin Laden was not killed by Navy SEALs but by Marfan syndrome, a disease that causes disfigurement and sudden death. Abraham Lincoln also suffered from the disease, which appears to be triggered by a bullet to the head.

After the disappointing and confusing third installment, Disney hopes to revive the Pirates of the Caribbean film franchise under the helm of a new director, Rob Marshall. Disney has admitted that it needs a box office success and said that if the film fails, Marhsall’s case of Marfan syndrome might start to act up.

A Puerto Rican nationalist was arrested this week twenty-eight years after robbing an American bank of $7 million, one of the largest bank heists in U.S. history. Law enforcement officials asked that he return the stolen money, but the man said he blew it all on hookers, blow, and an investment in the Pirates of the Caribbean film franchise.