Netanyahu vs. Universe

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu showed off his familiarity with American football in an effort to gain American support against Iran's growing nuclear capability. "[Iran] is in the last 20 yards," Netanyahu said, "and you can't let them score a touchdown, and if they do score, you can't let them go for two, because they scored a safety on you earlier in the game, and a field goal isn't ok either because what if they fake it, and you have to try to draw them offsides so you can push them back to the thirty, or maybe just settle for a blitz, but you have to be careful of roughing the passer. Also, I am a Broncos fan."

Oscar Nominations

Shame, the Michael Fassbender-starring pic about sexual addiction, was shut out in the Academy Award nominations, further evidence that Hollywood just doesn't like movies with balls.

PIRATES!

Wikipedia has announced it will shut down for twenty-four hours on Wednesday to protest the SOPA and PIPA anti-piracy bills currently making the rounds in Congress. Experts predict a spike in the factual accuracy of everything.

Kim Novak, star of Alfred Hitchcock's Vertigo, said she was deeply offended when she played the DVD of independent film The Artist and discovered that the filmmakers had used music from Vertigo to score their own film. After she lashed out publicly, police arrived at her house and arrested her for film piracy since The Artist isn't out on DVD yet.

The makers of Dungeons & Dragons are asking fans what they would like to see in the next edition of the popular role-playing game. Fans have not said much yet, but they are confident the new edition will likely do 2d6+3 points of damage to their chances of meeting women.*


* Normally I wouldn't write a joke about Dungeons & Dragons, because I grew up on that game and I turned out perfectly socially capable. Just ask my dark elven necromancer wife on the World of Warcraft PvP server.**

** PvP is for d-bag ROTC dropouts who play CoD: MW3 all day.***

*** PWND!

Panetta to Shrink Military

Defense Secretary Leon E. Panetta has announced a $450 billion cut in military spending to help curb government debt. Although the spending cut will prevent the U.S. from sustaining two major ground wars, it will still allow the military to make strong appearances in airshows and Michael Bay movies.

Tonight, G.O.P. presidential hopefuls face the daunting Iowa caucuses, which will strongly influence the ultimate choice of challenger to the throne of President Barack Obama. Tomorrow, we can all finally stop talking about Iowa.

Los Angeles Burning

Over the past three days, an arsonist has firebombed more than fifty cars in Los Angeles. The rash of firebombings has angered residents, who say that fifty cars isn't enough to reduce commute times by more than a tenth of a second.

Sexting Text Ed

Taking advantage of the sexting craze running rampant among teens and young adults, some school districts and health non-profits are starting to transmit sex education tips via text message. When students sign up for the service, they receive a photo of a woman with a bad case of herpes. This new push for sex education has highlighted the fact that only thirteen states require their sex ed curriculum to be medically accurate. The other thirty-seven states sleep in separate beds.

China has announced a bold space exploration program that presents a tacit challenge to the United States. American military experts say that the U.S. must up the ante if it wants to remain as competitive as it was when it went to the moon a couple times back before disco was invented.

Happy New Year!

Egypt: Election Day 2

Polls opened today in Egypt for the second day of historic Parliamentary elections, the first free elections after decades of dictatorial rule. As voters waited in line, pollsters told them to get it right today because they weren't going to do a third day of elections.

Harvard scientists have created a small, rubbery robot that looks like a walking slinky covered in tissue paper. The designers hope that one day the robot will be able to help find earthquake victims and aid in medical procedures, but the only task the robot can do for now is be creepy.