Catching a Predator

Arnold Schwarzenegger revealed last night that he fathered a child with an employee over ten years ago, which led to his recent separation from wife Maria Shriver. Schwarzenegger said there were no excuses for his irresponsible behavior, admitted he had caused great pain for his family, apologized profusely and said he deserved the criticism of the media for his terrible misdeeds. “Thanks a lot, dad,” said the illegitimate child.

Schwarzenegger said that he is happy to have this secret off his shoulders because, over the past ten years, he has felt like an invisible alien wandering in the jungle with an atomic bomb attached to his wrist.

And in science news, a recent study shows that social rejection, such as a bad breakup, affects the same part of the brain as physical pain and is akin to getting burned by hot coffee. So, next time you want to dump someone, just pour hot coffee on his brain.